A funny

[From Bill Powers (2000.09.18.1340 MDT)]

A friend forwarded this to me, and I think it deserves a wider audience.

Best,

Bill P.

···

-----Original Message-----
From: Webb, Calvin C(Z97176) [mailto:CWEBB01@apsc.com] <mailto:CWEBB01@apsc.com]>
Sent: Tuesday, September 12, 2000 8:50 AM
To: Baird, Kelly L(Z04367); 'Glenn'; 'Edd'; 'Jason Webb'; Salisbury,
Bruce A(Z81440)
Subject:

Warning Labels Mandated by 20th Century Physics
As safety experts and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend
towards legislation that requires the prominent placing of warnings on
products that present hazards to the general public. Yet we must also offer
the cautionary thought that such warnings, however well-intentioned, merely
scratch the surface of what is really necessary in this important area. This
is especially true in light of the findings of 20th century physics.
        ~ <<...>>
We are therefore proposing that, as responsible professionals and science
enthusiasts, we join together in an intensive push for new laws that will
mandate the conspicuous placement of suitably informative warnings on the
packaging of every product in every category offered for sale. Our suggested
list of required warnings follows.
WARNING
This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.
WARNING
This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe, Including
the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to the
Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance Between
Them.
CAUTION
The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons
of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.
HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE
This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles Moving at
Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles per Hour.
CONSUMER NOTICE
Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is Impossible for the Consumer to
Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast
It Is Moving.
ADVISORY
There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a Process Known
as "Tunneling," This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present
Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe, Including Your
Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Any
Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.
READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE
According to Certain Suggested Versions of a Grand Unified Theory, the
Primary Particles Constituting This Product May Decay to Nothingness Within
the Next Four Hundred Million Years.
THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT
In the Unlikely Event That This Merchandise Should Contact Antimatter in Any
Form, a Catastrophic Explosion Will Result.
PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW
Any Use of This Product, In Any Manner Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount
of Disorder in the Universe. Although No Liability is Implied Herein, the
Consumer Is Warned That This Process Will Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death
of the Universe.
NOTE
The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together by a
"Gluing" Force About Which Little Is Currently Known and Whose Adhesive
Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed.
ATTENTION
Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon, the Consumer Is
Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists of 99.9999999999% Empty
Space.
NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER
The Manufacturer May Technically Be Entitled To Claim That This Product Is
Ten-Dimensional. However, the Consumer Is Reminded That This Confers No
Legal Rights Above and Beyond Those Applicable to Three-Dimensional Objects,
Since the Seven New Dimensions Are "Rolled Up" Into Such a Small "Area" That
They Cannot Be Detected.
PLEASE NOTE
Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the Consumer Is Not Directly
Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague
and Undetermined State.
COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE
The Subatomic Particles (Electrons, Protons, etc.) Comprising This Product
Are Exactly the Same in Every Measurable Respect as Those Used in the
Products of Other Manufacturers, and No Claim to the Contrary May
Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied.
HEALTH WARNING
Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since Its Mass, and Thus Its
Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the User.
IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS
The Entire Physical Universe, Including This Product, May One Day Collapse
Back into an Infinitesimally Small Space. Should Another Universe
Subsequently Reemerge, the Existence of This Product in That Universe Cannot
Be Guaranteed.

[From Bruce Gregory (2000.0918.1632)]

Bill Powers (2000.09.18.1340 MDT)

It is funny. But in the interests of accuracy, I suggest a small change:

READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE
According to Certain Suggested Versions of a Grand Unified Theory, the
Primary Particles Constituting This Product May Decay to
Nothingness Within
the Next Four Hundred Million Years.

The real number is a bit harder to write in words. It's 10^34 years!

BG