I have received some comments on the clinical example from the
above named people. I have also had an additional couple and
individual session.
Clifford corrected my summary of his position: The man was not
only controlling for sexual satisfaction but for the sense of not
being controlled by his wife. I have previously said that I
didn't think it was sexual satisfaction per se (described by the
man as equal to the experience of masturbation) but other things
this man obtains from the babysitter.
I have not guite pinned down what these other experiences are
which he receives from the babysitter but not from his wife. In
the most recent individual session with him, he described the
things about his wife he doesn't like, namely, she is bossy,
demanding and moody. I have used the method of levels to explore
the meaning of these experiences for him but need to do some more
exploring of them.
Gene Bogess (in a private message) stressed the importance of
working on communication with this couple and the importance of
having common experiecnes. He supported the idea of using Ed
Ford's Quality Time Program as one way of beginning to work on
these areas. Gene expressed the idea that love between two people
is based on understanding which is based on communication which
is based on common experiences. One novel intervention was to
bring the babysitter into a session. Gene, as you can see, I am
doing this in imagination. If I did this in vivo, I think I would
have to later arrange for blood, and possibly a dead body, to be
removed from the floor.
Gene also expressed some doubt that HPCT could contribute to the
understanding which is the basis of two people loving each other.
On this point, I think I disagree. If I am sucessful in helping
to identify some of the more important wants (desired
experiences) of this man and woman, I think they will understand
each other better. Once they know what the other wants and
doesn't want more clearly, each is in a better position to make a
choice of how, or whether, to meet the want. HPCT helps by
telling me that I should be focusing on discovering the wants
(and don't wants).
The most recent couples session I had with them was very
emotional. The body shaking I mentioned last time turned into
100% rage. She hit and kicked him a few times during the session
as she verbally expressed her rage and then moved to a different
chair. She was very powerful as she expressed her rage and hurt.
The rage made reference to the following kind of thoughts--I
wanted you to protect me and the children. You allowed this woman
to come into our life. You didn't care about me or the children.
This woman was telling me about an affair she was having with
someone. We were talking about it together as friends do. Now I
find out it was you. She said that throughout her marriage she
was having thoughts that her husband was having an affair but she
kept on dismissing these thoughts. In addition to being angry at
her husband and the babysitter, she is angry at herself for being
so stupid and gullible. I am afraid that this experience has only
confirmed her sense of not letting people get close to her.
During the couple's session, the woman expressed that she was
closer to her father than her mother. Her mother has suffered
some brain injury related to a medical condition and needs a lot
of care. The mother, therefore, is in no position to offer
emotional support. The woman expressed wanting her father back.
He was the only one who nurtured her.
The husband, in the session, was going over the story of how
horrible he was during this whole sordid episode. He was publicly
flogging himself with words so that I would really understand how
terrible he was. He was trying to stay calm while his wife was
emoting. He kept on expressing that he wanted to work it out and
that he loved her very much. The husband allowed his wife to hit
him without moving or saying anything. He sat there and took it.
On her own, the wife sent the husband of the babysitter a package
which included every present the babysitter every gave to anyone
in the family. The presents were smashed and torn into little
pieces. The note revealed to the husband what has been happening.
The wife said she did feel good about doing this. The revenge
against the babysitter is not yet over I am told.
In the most recent individual session with the man, we discussed
his parents and siblings. He is the oldest child. He has a
younger brother and sister. The father was very controlling on
the one hand and very permissive on the other hand. As long as he
performed in school, there were no other expectations around the
house. The father used to beat him when he was a child. The
father had an awful temper and was very impulsive. His mother was
more a friend. She used to talk with him quite a bit. He
considered her almost as a friend. In college, she came into his
bedroom and smoked pot with him. From the conversation about his
parents, I pictured him as having been spoiled which he agreed
with. I also pictured him as having no respect for woman which he
agreed with.
He described an incident at home this week which sounded like a
turning point to me. His wife had just told him she wanted him
out of the house. He called me and we spoke. Then he went up to
his room and cried very strongly for a long time. His wife came
to the room and comforted him verbally and held him. He described
the experience as being very sad, thinking that he had lost his
wife and children, feeling empty inside.
ยทยทยท
To: Clifford Gann, Gene Boggess, interested CSGnet others
From: David Goldstein
Subject: clinical example continued
Date: 05/11/92