Funny wordsmithing

[From Bill Powers (2007.01.17.1540 MST)]

Hello, all. Back in Lafayette after very well-received stint with IAACT
on Hilton Head.

My daughter Barbara relayed this to me, and it’s so good I just have to
pass it on.

Best,

Bill P.

···

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning
submissions

to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to
supply

alternate meanings for common words.

The winners are:

  1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

  2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have
    gained.

  3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat
    stomach.

  4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

  5. Negligent (adj.) describes a condition in which you
    absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

  6. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

  7. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

  8. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you
    are run over by a steamroller.

  9. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

  10. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by
    proctologists.

  11. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

  12. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with
    Y
    iddishisms.

  13. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief
    that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck
    there.

The Washington Post’s Style Invitational also asked readers to take

any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or

changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

This year’s winners:

  1. Bozone (n.): The substance
    surrounding a stupid person that stops

bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately,
shows

little sign of breaking down in the near future.

  1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the

subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

  1. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

  2. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and
    the

person who doesn’t get it.

  1. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are
    running

late.

  1. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

7.Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one received a
Gold

Star.)

  1. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all
    these

really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and
it’s

like, a serious bummer.

9.Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day

consuming only things that are good for you.

10.Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

  1. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem
    smarter

when they come at you rapidly.

  1. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after

you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.

13.Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into
your

bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

14.Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub
in

the fruit you’re eating.

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