from LeEdna via Ed Ford (950905)
To Bill Powers:
Re: The kicking John & asking "What are you doing?" followed by "Why were
you doing it?" When John is asked "What are you doing?" as you have
previously agreed, he must go up a level to answer. The effect, if he
chooses to answer, is disengagement. He stops kicking, processes the
question and responds. Generally, he momentarily disengages from his goal
that resulted in kicking Bill. At this point, what we practioners would
call, emotions are typically running high. John is still angry, Bill is
angry and others in the area are likely to be tense. If at this time you ask
"Why were you doing it?" you may find John kicking Bill again. The "Why"
question will refocus John on his earlier goal (i.e. to get Bill to stop
calling him names), at a time when he is unable or unwilling to achieve that
result in a safer more acceptable way. (Yes, Bill, I know, acceptable to
whom? Acceptable to those nasty school authorities who set some rules
without input from students or staff.) I do agree with you regarding the
importance of asking the "Why" question. However, I believe when you do and
how you ask becomes a personal judgement. If I perceive the situation is too
volital or if doing so would be too disruptive, or embarrassing for the
kicker or kickee, I will choose to wait. Most often, this is the case. The
"why" generally occurs during plan making. However, I believe you are right,
we must insure John's goal is delt with or we will be dealing with the same
type of acts again and again. Each plan includes the questions, "What could
you have done differently to solve this problem?" and "What will you do the
next time you feel like kicking or hurting someone?" As a result of your
post I have concluded a more specific question should be added to the plan
such as "What did you want to happen when you kicked Bill?"
You will note, I still tend to avoid the word "why". My experience has been
that children know when they have made a choice that conflicts with the
standards of where they are: asking them "why" initially results in their
defending their actions rather than reporting their goal. I am not sure but
I think their prior experience with "why" in these situations has been
punitive and may continue to be so in their homes. Thus, their prior school
experience and current home life influence their perceptions of the "why"
question. Granted after a period of time in our school one would expect to
see differentiation and the elimination of the need to be deffensive.
Another reasonand are talking one on one with an adult with whom they are
willing to give access, they may begin by telling you about the incident
leading to the kicking but they often move on to talk of more significant
factors that may have led to the "Kicking". For example, witnessing their
mother brutally beaten the night befoe by their father or a boyfriend and
being unable to stop it. The child may talk about feeling powerless (ie no
control) and feeling guilty for not being braver or stronger. In these
situations children frequently say something like "when Bill called me a
name I thought "no more, I'm not taking it anymore." What really was John
controlling for? Do you think asking why on the playground or in a classroom
would get the same depth of response? I don't. It often takes considerable
time, privacy, and relationship building. Best, Le