From [Marc Abrams (2005.12.17.1540}
Upon some reflection on my thread with Rick over the last several days, I can see where others, including Rick might have misinterpreted some of my comments and questions as being ‘inflammatory’ and intended to provoke, and I can even see how one might even have viewed some of what I did as taking cheap shots if I indeed delivered my material with the intent I believe some people attribute to me incorrectly.
This is not an ‘admission’ of guilt on my part. It is an admission of the part I might have played in it. I will do better in the future but I’m afraid I am not the only one who has to do better in the future in order for more effective communication to take place, and I can’t do ‘better’ if I get no help.
But I believe this is true for everyone, not just myself. I believe each of us is blind to the consequences our controlling efforts have on others but we can, and do see these consequences in others.
So, it would be helpful and useful to be able to point out to others when their controlling is producing consequences that are adversely effecting them.
But this is very often a difficult thing to do because as controllers we will not allow ourselves to be ‘threatened’ and telling someone they have bad breath is a difficult thing to do because no one wants to ‘hurt’ another person’s feelings and no one like’s losing face in front of others.
Unfortunately you just can’t sweep these feelings away. So we choose to tell little white lies, and deny rather than hurt, be hurt, or lose face. Again, as controllers this is all not unexpected, at least not for me, but it does hurt our ability to honestly help each other learn and grow. I can’t change something I am unaware of can I?
Now, I am not suggesting we go around telling each other we have BO and bad breath. What I am asking for and suggesting is that we each do a bit more reflecting on what we are doing and we would all do well to test publicly more of the assertions and assumptions we make about the intention of others.
To many of the things we claim to ‘know’ we have never tested to be so and for a large number of things this is not important. It only becomes important when you must actually deal with the person or situation directly and find that what you thought to know to be true was or is incorrect.
Judging from the responses I get it always seems to be someone else’s fault, usually mine, when in fact it is always, and I do mean always, everyone’s ‘fault’. In any interaction between people the ‘responsibility’ for the effectiveness of that interaction lies with all the parties involved
Reflecting back, with the proper inquiry I believe all of the animosity between Rick and myself could easily have been avoided. I am not suggesting here that Rick and I could have come to a single point of agreement on things. I am suggesting that Rick and I could easily have walked away with at least the respect of each other. A very big lesson I have learned and I think others would do well to consider;
Seek to understand before trying to be understood.
For me, understanding Rick and his intentions were made very clear to me over the last several days and in ways Rick would not and could not even imagine. Not because I believe him to be evil or stupid, nothing of the kind, but because he has been such a fine controller.
I’ll correspond with Rick privately on this but I am just as responsible as he is for what happened and neither one of us intended what actually happened to happen, at least that is my current belief, and it will remain that way until I get a chance to talk with Rick. It was all a side effect of our controlling efforts. Are you up for a phone call on this Rick, or would you rather let this all pass?
I would like to finally clear the air and I believe we can with a phone call.