I have had a few more chats. I am enclosing a transcript of one I had
today. For reasons unknown, it ended suddenly. The explorer,
littleredtoo, was experiencing some very strong emotions about the time
it ended and expressed wanting to give some thought to the matter.
I am now doing the following. I am sending people the following
message:
English, a self-exploration exercise, I am a Psychologist(m/53/NJ,
USA) who is evaluating the helpfulness of this exercise and would like
your opinion of it after we are finished. It is not like an ordinary
chat and will be a one time thing. You may learn something about
yourself by the time we are finished or improve your skill at noticeing
what is going on in your mind. My ICQ number is 6644895. Contact me if
you are interested in trying this exercise and we can set up a chat.
I am not requesting an immediate chat. The one I had today was because
the person to whom I sent the message sent a message back immediately.
Your reactions to the above message are welcome as are your reactions to
the attached transcript.
If you read the transcript and would have followed a different line than
I did, I would like to hear from you.
···
From: David Goldstein
Subject: Report on MOL chats
Date: 1/18/98
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ICQ Chat Save file
Started on Sun Jan 18 12:31:31 1998
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<littleredtoo> Good morning David
<David> Good morning littleredtoo.
<David> Are you interested in trying the self-exploration exercise?
<littleredtoo>
<littleredtoo> It depends on the content of it
<littleredtoo>
<David> The content is not important.
<littleredtoo> Well its important to me so if you would like someone to help you with this
<David> OK. I mean we could talk about anything you feel comfortable talking about.
<littleredtoo> Why don't you ask the questions to stimulate conversation and i will answer honestly.
<littleredtoo>
<David> This is not a question and answer kind of thing. Let me explain.
<littleredtoo> Well lets give it a shot. I'm in touch with my inner self and my thought process.
<littleredtoo>
<David> We can be talking about any topic. As we are talking you may notice some thought or feeling or image at the back of your mind.
<David> OK. This last statement is a good one to start with. It is a self observational kind of one.
<David> I would ask: What is it like to be in touch with your inner self?
<littleredtoo> For me to be in touch with my inner self is refreshing and a kind of renewal of ones self expression, allowing me to be honest and forthright not only with myself but others as well.
<littleredtoo>
<littleredtoo>
<David> Very good. You like to be honest and forthright, yes?
<littleredtoo> Yes
<David> Describe what it is like when you are this way.
<littleredtoo> Well, for me its freedom to be me finally in my life. I find that trying to be what others want you to be annoying, but have only come to that conclusion in the past 6-8 years, and not without some pain and frustration along the way.
<littleredtoo>
<David> What is the opposite of being free for you?
<littleredtoo> inprisioned in my mind and expression of being a complete person.
<littleredtoo>
<David> If you notice any thoughts or feelings as you say things, please feel free to say them. That is the idea of the process.
<littleredtoo> Don't you worry about me saying what I think, sometimes that gets me into trouble when i say what i thing or feel to some people. It has inthe past and used to bother me and keep me from saying what I wanted to, but not any more.
<littleredtoo>
<David> The Beatles song Free as a Bird comes to mind as I listen to you.
<littleredtoo> Not familiar with that Beatles long , but as I type to you I have a strong feeling of being in therapy and being encouraged to let my feeling to and not to h old back because they are mine and are not right or wrong but just mine.
<littleredtoo>
<David> OK. I guess I can't get away from being who I am and this is a therapy tool I am testing out.
<littleredtoo> Well, I often find myself allowing conversations on or off the computer to be theraputic for me. as i feel that peolple often bring out a side of me that is not always totally acceptable.
<littleredtoo>
<David> What is it like to discover new sides of yourself?
<littleredtoo> I'm feeling like its akward because its something unfamiliar to myself, but because of my curious nature I have to explore it no matter the outcome.
<littleredtoo>
<David> Tell me about your curious nature.
<littleredtoo> My curious nature is a part of me that has been kept under control not by me I don't thing but by othes, because what others thought of me an my behaviors always ruled what I did, therefore, I never allowed myself to express being curious but it is a way for me to let others know who I am and not always with welcome arms.
<David> The part of you which stopped you from expressing your curiosity, can you tell me about that ?
<littleredtoo>
<littleredtoo> I suppose it stems from growning up in a home where there were two parents who faught not only verbally but physically, and seeing that my mother was not allowed to express herself and i'm sure it was a lasting impression on me as a person.
<littleredtoo>
<David> How are we doing? Still OK to go on?
<littleredtoo> Of course, those days are in the past and I have gone forward with my life not without some unresolved issues but I know I have to take care of me and can't change those things anyway only the way I deal with those memories.
<littleredtoo>
<David> How would you compare the new you and the old you?
<littleredtoo> older naturally and more informed of life and what life can or can not do for me. I know today that i am the whole of myself and everything else past, present or future is a part of that, but I try really hard to focus on taking care of me the woman.
<littleredtoo>
<David> What does this involve?
<littleredtoo> I'm having quite a bit of emotions swirling around in my head, but I really think that I know who I am today and what it took to get me to be who I am. I seem to want to really give this some serious thought, not that I want to prepare what I want to say but to allow myself to explore what my life is and will be with openeness.
<littleredtoo>
<David> Can you describe the whirling emotions?
<littleredtoo> probably, a mixture of what things used to be in my life and how and what allowed me to be who i am today, not without some saddness because of the hurts of life but because now my life is probably half over or more, and what do Ihave to show for all of it.
<littleredtoo>
<David> Very complex bunch of feelings, all mixed up --sadness, hurt,
<littleredtoo> Oh i'm aware of the complexity of who i am and who i used to be butnot of who and what i want to be tomorrow and I don't mean next year I truly mean tomorrow as Monday Jan19, 1998
<littleredtoo>
<David> If a miracle would happen and you would become this person, how do you see her?
<David> What sort of thoughts/feelings are going on?
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